15-Minute Relationship Refresh
15 Minute Relationship Refresh
It’s been a tough two years as parents. We are sick and tired of unprecedented times and have our own challenges and stressors. We also have more distractions than ever before as parents. While we are dealing with our own stuff, our kids are facing their own mental health issues.
For a lot of kids with depression and anxiety, irritability is a common symptom. A significant way we can help our kids is by simply being a little more present in manageable ways. Sometimes our children’s actions are simply a sign that they are wanting more attention from us and they will take it any way they can get it. Even if it means we’re upset, yelling, or mad.
So, if you notice your child acting out more or being more irritable, try setting a timer on your phone for 15 minutes and spending time with them. Please remember that during this time, you are not checking your phone!
Here are some guidelines to get you going:
1. Play!
Tell your child that you want to spend 15 minutes with them doing whatever they want to do (not screens though!). It could be coloring, playing with legos, playing outside, whatever they are interested in. Your role in these 15 minutes is to play with them but not be the cruise director of the play. Take their lead, let them show you what they want to do.
2. Take on a sports commentator’s energy!
While you are with your child, don’t ask questions! Of course, we as parents want to ask our children questions about their day, their thoughts and feelings, and how they see the world. But not during this special 15 minute time. This is a moment of connection. Your job is to be like a sports commentator, describing out loud what the child is doing. You are the commentator, you might describe your child’s play like this:
“Wow, you’re creating a large tower!”
“Look at that purple on the flower you drew”
“You’re finding just the right pieces for the puzzle”
Children and even teens spend a lot of their day having to be “good”. At school and with their friends they are trying to keep it all together, regulate their emotions and listen and follow instructions. In fact, at school, they are often asked to perform and this can be emotionally draining for them. Having special time with you where they can just play and be and have you be present is crucial.
3. Don’t use special 15-minute time as a threat
It’s important that you erase from your mind their past misbehaviors for just these 15 minutes. Now is not the time to say, “Remember this morning when you were being disrespectful when we were trying to get ready for school?” Stay in the present moment. Remind yourself that no matter what happened in the past or what their future behaviors might be like, you are both deserving of a positive moment of connection with each other. It’s important that you don’t tell your child they will lose their special 15 minutes with you in the future or stop mid-way through their 15 minutes and say “That’s it, I’m not going to spend time with you if you do that”. Just be in the moment.
4. Watch the magic happen!
Spend 15-minutes with your child regularly and watch what happens. For a lot of kids, these 15 minutes help them feel seen, safe, and valued. They are able to be away from screens and with you without you checking your phone, checking email, or on social media. As you put in some consistent 15 minute connection time with your child, you might start to notice a decrease in arguing or fighting, or yelling. They know that they will have special time with you regularly and might be able to let go of some behaviors they use to get your attention.
Kristen Barlow is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice in Naperville, Illinois. Kristen specializes in helping children, teens, and young adults manage and regulate emotions, communicate better and be more effective in their relationships. She specializes in helping children, teens, and young adults with ADHD, depression, anxiety, and trauma. Connect with Kristen through her website at rivertrailtherapy.com.
